Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
