im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
sex in a hospital.. check
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
