I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
