Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize