i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
