And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
