Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
