I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
