I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
