I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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