one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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