wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
