don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
