can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
