I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
