You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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