Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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