Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
