i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
