My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
