hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
