I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
