Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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