Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
