I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
