I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
