Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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