ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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