if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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