its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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