the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
