dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
