I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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