You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
