You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
