They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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