i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I die, sorry about rent.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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