I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
