Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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