It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize