If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You smell like stripper and shame
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
