I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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