I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
