I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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