My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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