Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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