ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
