I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
