Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
