Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
