Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
