He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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