There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
