Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
