My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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